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Angel Pussy By Lily Piette
1
I felt something half talk to me as I woke up. It was an angel. She was unfolding and folding backwards into millions of multidimensional fish. She was existing in forms that my brain was unable to comprehend. Kind of like when you look at those AI-generated images that aren’t really images of anything, just a wispy combination of ‘almost things’ that your brain ALMOST recognizes. It was the same idea with the angel. My brain could ALMOST recognize it but the complexity was just a bit too much.
So Then I Was Like,
“Is this even real right now? Even?” And she answered, even though I said that inside of my head.
“Polykeptix undi tubezimation sphalactered extremisty althoughten, marxist xylophrinist thrinken multi passintrix, even?”
I didn’t understand her angel tongue, but when she delivered this phrase inside of my head, I saw her change from the folding fish to every single face I’ve ever seen in my entire life, from stranger to family. They all had this expression on their face, like they felt really bad for me. Not in a pity way though, more like a ‘I see your pain, I see you’ kind of way. For some reason, my next thought was,
“Are we going to have sex right now?” To which she replied,
“Absolutelex <3”
You could’ve guessed this, but angel pussy slaps. All societal sex training ideologies left my body during the 15-minute sex act. So you’d probably think that sex with an angel was like some really intense spirit bonding act, and while it was in a way, it was mostly really funny. Like we were laughing for most of it and especially when she queefed. The whole act kind of had the vibe of the Nyan Rainbow Cat Viral Youtube Video, except angel titties and pussy being involved. When I came, I wanted to dance with her and smell her farts. And she came too, I think? Because she said she was close and then she disappeared. Maybe in angelworld, the second you cum you switch dimensions because the angel orgasm is so powerful? If that’s true though, that would kind of suck, because maybe it’s hard to get back to where you were, and so they probably miss out on cuddling after sex. I thought about her for days after she disappeared, hoping she might return. But honestly, after like a week I was pretty over it. I became distracted with new things.
I became enamored with this company that sold “poop crème”. They direct messaged me on Instagram asking if I wanted to be a poop crème ambassador. I accepted the offer graciously, promoting their content on my Instagram page. People weren’t really responding in the way I wanted though. They were dm-ing me things like, ‘wtf is this i literally just gagged’ or ‘what the hell is wrong with you’ or ‘plz get a life this is so beyond strange’.
People did not seem to understand the power of poop crème. The phrase itself brings down the boundaries of so many societal constructions. I think that’s why it upset so many people, as most innovative art does at first. One person completely understood where I was coming from. Their account username is pollypocket890257 and they replied to my poop crème ambassador story post with, ‘U r pure swagathon paradise’.
The response honestly returned my faith back into my palms. It kind of reminded me of angel pussy, because it was something she would’ve said.
2
I love when dogs are just like looking around
minding their own business.
I think all animals feel pride. But pride is such a complicated thing. It’s more than just feeling good about yourself. It’s like, when you feel pride, you feel a true sense of safety in reality. It no longer matters what happens after you die, because you are walking with your nose pointed towards the heavens and everyone is obsessed with you. Pride is felt the most intensely during ovulation. I do wonder though, do cats and octopuses also have monthly emotional cycles? And if humans have them, orangutans must as well? Do orangutans feel better about themselves when they ovulate? They must also experience pride. But like, imagine a snail feeling pride! Or a caterpillar thinking,
“Hey yeah, I’m really cool. And these bitches don’t even compare. I mean you cannot compare when you don’t compete...”
I mean cats obviously feel pride. Basically, all cats feel a lot of pride and more so than I’ve seen with humans. The thing about Cat Pride is that it doesn’t come from insecurity, as a lot of pride does in humans. It comes from an ultimate truth that they are just so swagathonically gifted. They perpetuate solely cool vibes and radical ideologies. They are always going to say something extraordinarily based in the debate about self-diagnosed ADHD, politics, AI, or whatever other bullshit but they won’t be saying ignorant things just to disagree, because their opinions are always based in God’s word of truth. Sometimes the truth hurts and cats understand that fully. Cats don’t understand comparing oneself to others, foolishness, ignorance, insecurity, and bad art. Cats are the best art critics. They can spot disingenuous bullshit art from a mile away. Cats do understand blhahfblaajhkfdlhkgahj ANGEL PUSSY VIBES<3
I was also thinking about the fact that pooping with a coat on is the same demented feeling as being naked while having socks and shoes on. That’s how I felt when angel pussy left. Vulnerable, naked, and embarrassed with socks and shoes on…like wut. Like Wut just happened haha. I was kidding, no wait what? So I guess I wasn’t being honest with myself earlier. I don’t think I’m over angel pussy. She was this perfect blend of pure divinity, and epic fart awesomeness. She just completely understood everything I’ve ever said or felt on such a deep level, more than I even understand myself. It was... so cool and awesome but now I find myself weeping, yearning for angel pussy to return.
3
So I was just chilling in my room, watching Youtube videos. Mostly like movie trailers and music videos. Something emerged out of the shadows of my closet. It was my pen pal from middle school. His name is Kristov from Saint Petersburg. I don’t know how he got in my room, or into my closet without me noticing, since I don’t really leave my room all that often. I didn’t really mind that he broke in though, I was happy to see him. Kristov and I started sending each other mail as penpals for a school project. My school made us do this to learn how to write letters, while Kristov’s school made him do this to practice English, his third language. Anyways, Kristov and I eventually switched to emailing each other and continued to communicate after the school assignment was over. He would send me viral Youtube videos and articles on frog species and I would send him music recommendations and beg him for a picture of himself. I was going through puberty and was having all sorts of crazy ideas about romance and stuff. Eventually, he sent me a selfie and I was pleasantly surprised, replying,
“woww! so handsome Kristov:)))))))) i lik ur eyez”
I attached a selfie to my response too. He then didn’t answer for about 3 years. I had quite a lot of confidence for a 13 year old, but I don’t think I even need to explain to you what that ‘left on read’ did to me. He responded 3 years later, apologizing. He explained that he was just disappointed with the selfie because he had imagined a Britney Spears American dream type of girl- not a Jewish princess. He apologized and admitted that it was rude of him. I answered Really Quickly saying it was okay and that I hope we can meet one day hehe. No response to that either. Yikes:/. That was when I was 16 but then, 2 years later he moved to LA for school and we went out for a drink. His English was really rough- he must have been really good at writing in English or using Google translate because in real life it was bad. He was all like
“I am so happy to be in US, I love US power move vibe. Like CEO american mall bank vibes. I love Los Angeles big city vibe, I love celebrity in the city, do you see celebrities ?”
To which I replied,
“No, I mean I saw Zooey Deschanel once but that’s it, and I’ve lived here my whole life. Oh wait no I saw the 2016 Instagram sensation, Jay Alvarez at Erewhon once. He had on space buns and was surrounded by a crowd of yoga moms.”
Kristov was not impressed by my response. He still wanted me to be the Britney Spears American dream girl who knew all the famous actors in the world. I didn’t fit his projection. Anyways so that was the last I had heard of him and now years later he is crawling out of my closet.
“I’ve been looking for you, my Jewish princess. I know ive rejectet you emotionally in the past, but give me zecond chance.”
I guess because of my angel pussy heartbreak, I very quickly accepted his offer. Normally I think I wouldn’t have, since I don’t think I can be with anyone who doesn’t speak english really well because then they won’t know how funny I can really be. But I accepted his love offer and we made out for like 25 minutes in a kind of awkward position. He was kind of good at kissing but he kept wanting to stick his tongue in my ear which was really not working for me. I don’t clean my ears that often, so first of all that’s really gross for him, but then if we kiss again after that, then I am eating my ear wax that’s been filtered through his saliva. Not ideal. So then I made some excuse for him to leave because my 7 year crush had finally dissolved from that experience and the only person in the whole universe who I wanted sticking their tongue anywhere near my body was angel pussy. I said,
“Kristov- I’m sorry, but I’m completely ignoring the fact that I am arranged to marry THE Mr. Hicklefickle of Hicklefickle Company Inc. You have to leave.”
He was surprisingly really understanding and bid farewell. So... Goodbye Kristov! And you may be wondering... Hicklefickle Inc? What’s that? Because you were right to believe I didn’t completely make it up. So basically I like to attend conventions for random stuff because I like to be surrounded by people that are passionate about life and all it has to offer. So what better a place to go to than an event for people that are all really obsessed with a specific thing! And seriously there is a convention for everything! So I was at a hand dispenser convention once. It was really interesting because you can really put anything in a hand dispenser. So the normal options are soap and hand sanitizer but oh boy, that’s only the beginning of what hand dispensers have to offer. Because the fact of the matter is, you don’t have to use your hand with them, despite the name. You can put your mouth, eyes, wallet, etc under the thing. The apparatus can in fact dispense chocolate syrup, eyedrops, ketchup OR mayonnaise, buttons in various sizes and colors, dog collars, straws, unsigned checks from illuminati type corporations, extremely small people that have been shrunk, etc. And at the convention there were some experts trying to make a hand dispenser that dispensed all of those things at once and more. Super interesting. That’s where I met Mr. Hicklefickle, a revolutionary of our time. He was basically just an ordinary guy, standing around, talking sometimes. He was drinking milk with ice in it! Drinking the milk from a straw from his straw hand dispenser. He had an ‘I love vibes’ T-shirt on, and he was wearing fake yeezy shoes. Obviously when I saw this person I had to come up to him. We talked about mosh pits and his graphic design career. He said,
“I live and breathe graphic design.”
I thanked him for existing and then left, never to see him again. But that’s the story of Mr. Hicklefickle! I have another story for you if you’re interested. So I was visiting Berlin with some friends and I fell ill with a mysterious illness that was affiliated with insomnia. My friends didn’t know where to put me so they brought me to this guy’s apartment. He was a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. He was about 28, had a full time office job doing something. The reason I don’t know what that something is, is because I ended up falling asleep in his apartment for a week and a half! I woke up occasionally, but it was all a blur. I woke up at one point thinking... Maybe I’m ill because I ate some sort of rotten onions a couple days ago, but I thought I cut out all the bad parts? And a couple days later in the haze I think the guy from the apartment woke me up and said,
“Lily! I know why you’re sick! Listen to me, no stay awake! I think I’ve cracked the code. I finally understand what’s going on. You are allergic to my semen;)”
Huh? I thought? I went back to sleep. Oh yea I guess we had sex ? By the end of the week and a half he was getting really upset that I was still there and asking my friends to take me away. He had a full time office job and had serious business to attend to, and wanted time to go to the gym and stuff and go on dates and drink coffee. But I was just sleeping, not really asking for anything at all. It was an extremely hazy experience and I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone.
4
Preface: A sincere apology for this extremely dumb chapter.
Sometimes my pubic hair is so long that it actually hurts. Sometimes it’s so long it’s fascinating and I’m like how the eff does this stuff get so long? It’s like when you fart and you smell it and you’re like woah! Interesting content. Proceed to next fart. If you have long head-hair, you understand that when it’s in a ponytail all day and you take it down, it’s sort of painful in the skull. It’s that same sort of sensation with the long pubes because you’ll be wearing underwear that is pressing them down all day and then you take them off and everything is wrong! HELP ME ESCAPE HELL. HELP ME ESCAPE HELL. HELP ME ESCAPE HELL. Just kidding sometimes I see memes that are so fucking funny and wild and I feel this incredible sense of community on the internet. There is this real shared feeling of like ‘idk what the fuck is going on please stop talking about serious stuff and lets watch funny minecraft pig edit with keanu reeves cartoon dancing fart poop time” I love it.
5
Does the moon ever seem a bit pervy to you? Or is that just me? People are so concerned with other humans being pervs. People will cover their cameras with tape and make their instagram profiles private and such. While humans can be REAL pervs for sure, there is a HUGE ass perv watching us all the time, specifically at night, which is perving hour. Nighttime is so pervy because that’s the time we tend to undress, get into bed, have sex, masturbate, talk to ourselves, cry, etc. And then all these pervy things occur in the shadows in the night which makes it all the more pervyyy. Then there is this huge ass shape shifting orb in the sky that is smirking at us through our windows every night. He says things like, “oooh lala, what is it that you’re doing inside of your little room? Oh, yes, continue that. Muahahah. See you tomorrow, I’ll look a little different then, and you’ll love that won’t you! I even control when you bleed from your vagina. Meaning I control your life. Sweet dreams.” Or he says things like, “Oh don’t mind me, just watching through your window. Yes, don’t mind sweet things. Muahahah.”
Watch out guys! Put your blinds down. This is seriously messed up that nobody is talking about this. I mean it seems like we have collectively just accepted him to perv out every night. I guess it isn’t really hurting anyone? But I’m getting a little bit bored with all the comments he makes, and I don’t get why nobody else is talking about this! Everytime I bring it up, people just laugh it off, like it’s nothing. C’mon guys, let’s do better! Let’s protect the children.
I HATE MY BOOK I HATE MY STUPID BOOK I HATE MY BOOK I HATE MY STUPID BOOK IT NEEDS TO BE WRAPPED IN SEAWEED FROM THE GROSSEST CAVE EVER AND THROWN INTO THE DEPTHS OF HELL. POOP CRÈME WAS THE ONLY RESPECTABLE SECTION OF THIS BOOK. AND OBVIOUSLY GOD BLESS ANGEL PUSSY… BUT EVERYTHING ELSE WAS ABSOLUTE BULL CRAP. AND THAT’S NOT INCLUDING THE STUFF I ALREADY CUT. RELEASE ME FROM HELL. RELEASE ME FROM HELL. RELEASE ME FROM HELL. BEETLEJUICE. BEETLEJUICE. BEETLEJUICE. POOP CRÈME. POOP CRÈME. POOP CRÈME. SUFFOCATING FARTS. SUFFOCATING FARTS. SUFFOCATING FARTS. POOP CRÈME. POOP CRÈME. POOP CRÈME. GO AWAY. GOAWAY. GO AWAY TATE! POOP. POOP. POO. I NEED A POO. POO. POO IN THE LOO.
6
Angel pussy came back to me on a warm sunday. It was a perfect day and I was walking back home from the park. I was taking a lot of breaks and smiling at the sky. Eventually I made it home and sat inside of my bed. When I did that, I felt another foot touching mine. At first, the sensation was quite frightening, like in a horror movie! But then I heard a familiar buzzing sound and I knew immediately that it was angel pussy.
“Trivakolia summinos provocautoriz felten mustihv Love.”
When she delivered me this phrase, I was stunned because she turned into a very small little rabbit. She sniffed around and was laying around at my feet as she delivered the message inside of my skull. I pet her tiny head and put her onto my chest. I opened my mouth and she crawled inside of it. She then shrunk herself even more and rested under my tongue. She curled up there and used magic powers to shut my mouth. It was an interesting sensation to have a small furry creature under the tongue. It was weird at first, but then it got all tingly and amazing. I loved that she was getting her fur all wet with my gross cigarette saliva. Then she crawled out and splattered on the floor from all the goop. She squeaked as she dragged herself towards the window. She was struggling, as the weight of the saliva she absorbed from me ended up being heavier than her entire body weight. Once she saw the sky, she turned into one of her 12 more usual forms. As I said before, it’s very difficult to describe what she looks like, since it’s not from this world. She still has a boob and a vagina and eyes and lips and stuff, but everything else is just indescribable. It’s like every image that ever was to be all at once, or every feeling and color and shade of light that emits powerful waves of emotion and splendore.
We talked for a while and joked about the moon perv. Apparently, in angelworld, people also ignore the moon perv issue. She confirmed that when an angel orgasms, she does switch dimensions, and it is really hard to find her way back. She didn’t mean to leave me in the dark for so many months, but she also doesn’t regret what happened, because the orgasm was great. She said she really wanted to go bowling with me. She said she wants to play music with me and make jam from scratch. She says that she wants to run around at the beach with me and find sea shells. She says that she wants to climb mountains with me and offer me water when I’m thirsty. She also said that she wants to cradle me and she also wants to support my art and music practice. She told me that she wants to grow with me and walk around the world together. She also told me that she wants to ride horses with me, and then take warm showers and cook spaghetti. She told me that she wants to braid our hair together and talk about our dreams. She said she wants to write books together, and draw funny things. She said she wants to do cartwheels with me, make music videos, and learn how to do the splits. She also said that she wants to introduce me to her angel friends in angelworld and go to some experimental post-punk shows there too. She also said she wants to be with me forever.
As she told me these things, I was crying a lot. I had never wanted to share the exact same thing with anyone, ever. I had never felt so seen and heard in my life. I had never wanted to curl up with someone for the rest of eternity, our faces so close to each other that our noses are squished and our eyelashes are touching. I had never heard something that touched every aspect of my soul from top to bottom. I had never been so in love with anyone or anything ever in my life. She showed me her wings after I repeated what she said back to her. She picked me up with her claws and she brought me into the world.
You can find more of Lily Piette’s work here!